Insulating myself today

sukey-bikeMost days I revel in nature. It has been a sanctuary and s safe haven for me all my life and most especially in the years since Charlotte died.
But for some reason starting early this morning when the morning Dove started to coo it disturbed me and bothered me to my core. I focused instead on man-made and more controllable sounds like the consistent and dull sound of the fan whirring on my bureau.

I lingered in bed for a while and wanted to Just feel the blankets wrapping around me. I wanted to be swaddled and covered and not exposed to the day.

I showered and afterwards when I toweled off I was Aware of my nakedness. The cool morning air on my skin bothered me. I rushed through putting on lotion and getting dressed when I usually linger in a state of being half clad enjoying that freedom.

I’m now about to head to town and buy myself a breakfast pastry and a coffee. I’m on an island where biking is a wonderful way to get around and I love taking my bicycle wherever I can and whenever. Town is very close. I’m resisting getting on the bicycle because I don’t want to feel that much a part of nature. My natural inclination is to get into the car, slam the doors and be insulated again from the world.

The desire to be insulated and protected from nature is a highly unusual state for me
I rented this cottage that has no air conditioning no heat and very minimalist furnishings. It has many windows with excellent cross breezes to cool it. It’s right near the ocean and I can hear the birds all of the sounds of the natural world and very few made by man. I did this deliberately and yet now I find this morning it is grating on me and all I want is to be swaddled and insulated from all of it.

Considering that this is the anniversary of Charlotte’s death I am sure it is completely related. Life and death and the cycles of life moving on are most abundantly clear in the natural world. While it has been a place of incredible healing for me I found out all too early and all too painfully about mother nature and how life can come to a complete halt very quickly and sometimes without explanation.

Swaddle me. Protect me. Comfort me. I am alone but I’m not lonely. I want to be swaddled and protected and yet I am glad that I am alone. I am comforted by myself and by the knowledge that I am deeply loved by many. But in these spots deep and reflective grief I find I am best served being alone. It recharges me and allows me then to get back to the business of life and living
I have not yet decided whether or not I will bicycle or drive into town.

The one part of nature that I seem to be able to embrace today is flow. I will just go with the flow and try to embrace that.

Created in Day One